Driving in Miami
Driving Culture in South Florida hasn't just peaked, it's gone over the top. Here are some of Jason Katz's ideas on the road. By reading this piece, you agree to release the author of liability.
We were promised flying cars. That one day we’d be freed from the scrum of I-95 to move freely about the airspace above. But would that make it any safer to operate a motor vehicle in South Florida? It’s more likely that flying cars would just introduce newer, more advanced ways to die in Miami.
Before I get into some memes, tropes, and rules, I’d like to begin with an admission which may undermine this whole piece: My driving record is not stellar. Since my 16th birthday in 2004, I’ve incurred a number of moving violations. One notable incident occurred in 2013 when I rear-ended a city bus in front of Mercy Hospital. I also hit an Infiniti G-35 (whose driver I’m certain was committing insurance fraud because why was she just stopped in the middle of South Bayshore Drive like that? but ok nobody believes me.) I sat there and watched as the bus driver told his passengers they’d have to disembark and walk to their next stop. One by one, they walked past me. It was my birthday.
Once as a teenager, I forgot to pay a ticket which then resulted in the suspension of my license. I was pulled over a few weeks later on the way home from a party. Here’s how that went:
Jason: Well, ok, officer before you look it up, I should tell you my license is in the process of being unsuspended. I have this piece of paper which
Cop: Bro, do not tell me your license is suspended right now.
J: It’s in the process of being unsuspended. If I can just show you this document.
C: Bro, get out of my face right now.
Having admitted I am a false road prophet, let us begin:
The FLAP and SLAP method of Driving
This patented method allows you to beat Google Maps, but is also very risky.
Few
Lights
As
Possible
AND
Stop
Little
As
Possible
The Miami Waltz
When two cars on opposite sides of any direction of the 836/I-95 interchange simultaneously realize their exit is three lanes across the road and approaching fast and they both cut clear across the road in beautiful synchronicity.
(Un)written Rules
The best defense is a good offense.
We were always taught to drive defensively but what does this mean in a chaotic driving environment? Perambulating? You might piss the wrong person off. Though it can be nauseating, it may save your life if you are constantly adjusting speeds. It’s imperative you stay as far away from other drivers as possible at all times.
On I-95, the left lane is for faster moving cars.
So are the center and right lanes.
If a peacock is crossing the road, don’t stop. They will always move.
This is a confirmed fact. You will have to trust me.
Unless a sign explicitly forbids the practice, Florida law allows you to turn right on a red light. Please do so.
Miami’s roads are a pyramid scheme. One disruption to the flow of automobiles makes it all come tumbling down.
It is finally permitted in Florida to drive with your hazards blinking.
You must be on a highway in a hurricane.
Beware the Slingshots
In 2014, Polaris introduced its first three-wheeled automobile to the market. They were an instant hit for renters in the Miami area who wanted something more than a convertible: an open air vehicle. Since their introduction though,
But most of all, beware the City of Miami PD Slingshot
And so much more…
These rules, memes, tropes, suggestions, and thoughts are just the tip of a melting iceberg which will flood us all. What are your (un)written rules of the Miami road?